What's the difference?

Every time I go on a diet I feel either virtuous as hell, or persecuted. Truthfully, it is most often a combination of the two. I pass up goodies and feel virtuous, then I feel afflicted when I am supposed to pretend that a salad without dressing is a treat! Are you kidding me? When I start out I feel so righteous about my virtuous behavior that it actually can carry me for quite awhile. (One time an entire seven months!) The problem, inevitably, is that after months of feeling like a martyr, I would have actually lost such a comparatively small amount of weight that feeling victimized actually seems appropriate. God help me if I were to come up against a Holiday or any kind of stress. (Speaking of which, I actually had a doctor once tell me in a pompous, know it all manner, "You know, sometimes people react to stress by overeating, we refer to it as stress eating." No shit, Sherlock?) What I do know for sure is that I cannot live on virtue alone. I am not capable of seeing "dressing free salad" (just as one example) as a lifestyle change because who in the hell can live like that? Don't answer, I know that some people do... just not people I would enjoy being around! So... here is my point, strong feelings of (okay I'll say it again) virtue, or righteousness, or anger, or guilt, etc. can't be sustained indefinitely. It's too much! No wonder so many of us are doomed to try and fail over and over again! So why was this time different for me?

This time, when I became determined to lose weight, I did it because I had a horrible, painful need to get control back over my life. My weight issues had slowly taken over more and more until, finally... they were in control. This time... it was all about me and I wasn't virtuous, I wasn't angry or pouty, I was calm. I didn't mention what I was doing to anyone (except immediate family) because, well... it was mine! I started on the hardcore program that I mentioned in my original post. I didn't suffer from hunger, but it wasn't something that I could see as a lifetime commitment (which is what I needed.) The thing is, I lost weight so friggen' fast that I was not at all tempted to deviate! However, at the end of the month and a half program, I also knew that I needed to explore and find a way that I could make healthful eating, long term livable!

After I lost about 50 pounds, which sadly was not that noticeable to anyone besides myself (the last ten show more than the first fifty) I had a dream. No, no... not as in "someday I shall..."; a go to bed, snore too loud, sleeping dream. I dreamt that we were going to a family reunion. My husband and I were in a hotel room, just getting ready to head out the door and I grabbed a small pillow off of the couch and shoved it under my shirt. In my dream my husband looked shocked and asked me what i was doing. I snarled out, "it's none of their fucking business if I've lost weight!" When I woke up the next morning, I had to laugh a little, I mean the dream does sort of speak of family issues! But more importantly I felt empowered. I realized that even at a subconscious level... I was doing this for me, me, me! I owned this experience!

Okay, much as that was a great closing line... how about a recipe? Since I mentioned salad without dressing several times, I am going to share a salad dressing recipe that is killer good. Please don't whine, after you read it, and say, "but I don't like wasabi!" because I have fed this stuff to avowed wasabi haters who had to admit that it is great!

Wasabi Salad Dressing
¼ cup rice vinegar
1/8 cup low sodium soy sauce
1 teaspoon wasabi paste (add water to wasabi powder to make paste)
1 tablespoon Splenda
1 teaspoon sesame seeds
Place all of the ingredients into an airtight container and shake, shake, shake.
Refrigerate.